Thank you to @powerofpositivity for this reminder.
But... how is this done?? The Change Triangle is the tool I use to guide me back to my core emotions, the inborn wired-in programs that are a compass for living. Core emotions lead us to our true self.
Sometimes our core emotions (sadness, anger, fear, disgust, joy, excitement, and sexual excitement) are deeply buried under layers and walls of protection. Our traumas were too much for us and we needed at one time not to feel. But when we cut ourselves off from knowing what we feel, we lose the ability to navigate life in adaptive ways.
Recovery means reconnecting with our core emotions. To learn more google “the Change Triangle” or “It’s Not Always Depression” or visit hilaryjacobshendel.com or the Change Triangle YouTube channel to find many free resources. Link in bio.
This is the style of parents who often cause Avoidant Attachment.
There are a lot of parents with unmet needs and they all act different.
What happens in this specific case is that in childhood parents tried time and time again to get their needs met, but it never happened. The hope never died (sometimes it did), and it’s common to see them continue this pattern in adulthood with their parents. That’s why they seem to accept so much humiliation and hold on to the hope that their parents will change, masked with the words of “that’s who they are”.
They also created fantasies of getting their needs of love met, so they often looked forward to being in a relationship or having their own kids to be able to fulfill these needs for love, connection and belonging.
The expectation of getting their needs met by their primary caregivers was shifted to their own children and/ or partners. See, they never realized that they were expected to be a source of support and nurturance for others.
What happens is that children born to these parents have their own needs that can’t be fulfilled by their primary caregivers because their caregivers are trying to get their needs met through them.
This will look like:
- Expecting child to act perfectly/ mature (even as babies).
- Being overwhelmed by child’s negative emotions or actions. Often avoiding them all together or expecting child to figure it out.
- Expecting a child to do things for them (i.e. taking care of younger siblings, taking care of them when they are sick).
- Wanting to spend a lot of time with child, being upset when child doesn’t want to.
- Constantly wanting to know how much the child loves them and sometimes even making comparisons. Ex: “who do you love more, me or your dad?”.
- Making child feel responsible for the adults emotions (i.e. oversharing, expecting child to hold space for them, making child feel guilty if they don’t think about their parents emotions).
The work here is multi layered. We have to dig deep to see how these early interactions affected our adult relationships. A lot of boundaries are needed in these types of relationships with a parent.
I can feel when I rush a harmony by seeking the notes too hastily... there is a middle way where you let it come up, it feels exactly right when I’m receive / channeling this way, patiently yet completely attentive to where the song wants to go
Who is doing that
Rahu and Moon in taurus for me today:
i approached a very unpleasant trouble with a calm mind. i shouted in anger somewhere in the middle while i could still feel the inner equanimity. it felt like a lightening from the sky came through me, but i remained untouched. i got accused that i don’t care for something holy. me, who is all about the sacred and the holy. they saw the ultimate holiness in the stuff that got lost, and not in the soul connection. turned out, the holy was not in that stuff. but the holy is in everything, and so also in that stuff. it flows from our heart and through intention into the stuff. and sometimes it pours from the stuff (artefacts) into us. turned out, i did care so much that i was thinking of what i can do to save the holy objects that were gone missing preserving my equanimity. i was trying to maintain emotional stability. turns out, i realized i was not feeling my emotions. i thought a calm mind approach was the highest. turns out, it was the least emotionally intelligent.
i thought god was within. turns out, he is in the painted images in orthodox church. he is, but if we think those images are more important than the god inside, then he isn’t in those images.
sometimes when we think we are holy, what a horror to think that what if we are not. what if the values that are expressed in our choices and behavior are the opposite of holy. what if we think we are holy, but then we act as an accuser. how could you not care for the holy! saying that we are not holy anymore. what if it is not a horror at all that we are not holy as human beings. what if being holy means being ok with the fact that we are not.